luna blue

it sat on a hanger for 2 weeks.
see, i was scared to touch it, because i didn't want it to disappear like you did.
i was scared if i touched it, i would look down to find empty hands craving your touch.
i looked down to find, empty hands coated in touches.
touches that you, you said were mine.

I Love You.

but love has a funny way of working its way out of people.
from their heart to their head from there head to their mouth their mouth
to my feelings.

you hand me boxes of touches each one labeled with why you can't have it anymore.
none labeled with why you still need it.
guess you don't need me.

but please stop, stop trying to give the touches back
stop trying to give all of it back.
i gave it to you, its yours so wear it proud or give it to someone else.
but please don't give it back, i can't use something that was only meant for you.

once you give something away its hard to give it back.
once you give away your love you can't just take it back.
I know I've tried.

so for 2 weeks your shirt sat on a hanger.
because if I touched it. you might try to take it back.
and thats exactly what you did.

my stomach bounces between my throat and feet.
the excitement lives in my body.

my hands tremble with anxiety, as the intercom calls my name.
i'm scared,
like the times i walked alone, my hands gripping each other as if it was you.

my legs shake, like the plane as it takes off.
we jump.
it's easy and we are weightless.
it's like times when i was little and my dad would throw me to the sky.
it made me never want to come down.

but when I land its almost disappointing.
i just finished one of the most amazing things ever.
and it felt so good.

i just want to keep reliving that one fall over and over.
it made me never want to come down.

but I have to.

i have to remember how to walk and talk and write.
because for those 3 minutes I forgot..
i forgot what it was like to be normal.
i forgot what it was like to be in the real world walking on land instead of flying.
it's hard to fall in love.

but its even harder to land and walk.

our love was like the stars..

a little to cliché.

it was like capital letters at the beginning of a college essay.

Very Perdictable.

it was made up of cute stares and i wish you were here's.

our love wasn't strong and it wasnt meant to last until the end of time.

but it was the sun.

it didn't reached every heart of the earth.

our love isn't the way you look at her.

and it isn't the way she looks at him with her lips on yours.

our love was held in our hands and when you let go, i was left palm up, with a couple notes and some old pieces of your heart.

i shouldn't have writers block.

i'm a 18 year old girl with the emotions to go with it.
theirs boys and drama and girls, and how hard high school is and all that superficial crap that the halls are lined with.

and i want to write about the stuff that every one writes about and i want to write about high school, and, love and people, and life.

but i'm 18 and i haven't lived that long so i cant really give life advice, and i thought i knew what love is, but turns out i was wrong, i hate drama, and high school is great but sorry i have nothing to say about it. and people.. wells turns out i don't know people as well as i thought.

i have writers block because all i write about is how she stole his heart and i broke my own.

and i'm trying to be different and its hard.

and i never like anything i write.

i want to love the words that come but they all end up being about her and him.
and i'm not a fan of her or him.

delete, gets hit to much and the publish never does.

so my blog sits with posts from months ago.

and ideas and drafts from days ago.

and words i liked when i loved him.

i told my dad i have writers block and he said that i shouldn't because i'm an 18 year old girl with the emotions to go with it.

then he said with all confidence that someone can have when they write for a living.

find out what the character wants...

then i said

what if she doesn't know what she wants?

I remember when our faces collided in the hall way by the knight. I brushed it off like I didn't feel the smoke between our lips, as I watched you do a heal click out the doors.

I remember the look on her face when she told me their "epic", too long, cheap love was over. Relief flooded my body.

I remember empty desks, and absent smiles.

I'm tired of remembering day dreams that never happened and nightmares that were all to real.

I remember the blue eyed boy that changed my life.
His boots no one understood but me. His hands that only fit in mine.
canyon drives melt into my memory, happy faces and bitter souls jump into each other's arms.
To hipster to have the time of our lives, so we settle for sub par memories and intense kisses.
I remember losing you, and knowing this was the hardest thing I will ever do.
I remember refusing to believe second period would suck for the rest of the year.

I remember rewriting our love in the form of a sign. Nights we would laugh so hard your boots didn't matter any more.

I remember skating around the parking lot waiting to put our memories in film. I remember lip syncing to the beat of your heart.


I remember 9 months trying not to remember, seeing you and knowing your hand suddenly fit into hers.
I remember forgetting to remind you of me.
And they way we used to dance around our hearts.


I remember bombs being dropped into a field of forevers.

I'm constantly remembering the time when I thought the playground was the best thing to happen to me.

Then I remember when you happened to me.

When the only music I listen to is the 1975.
I walk the halls dragging my personality with a rope hoping no one smiles at me.
The humming of peoples voices is too much for my ears.
Times when the broken clock is a comfort.



Tears rim my eyes as I stare at the piles of homework that will never get done.
When the teacher reminds me of the test I kindly let escape my thoughts.
Almost rear end 13 people driving home from a cold uneventful weekend night.

My friends clap in front of my face, helping me escape from the prison of my mind.
I trip on the stupidly placed stairs in the commons.

The days when the word vomit doesn't come, and a brain freeze is not just a figure of speech.
My mom yells at me to do something I will never remember.
Days when "I will be logged out do to inactivity."
When i'm to tried to even push snooze.

Days when I say throw another because the loads already too much and one more won't hurt.

When reading with the rain isn't enough.
No matter how many times I try and say it, it gets caught in my throat and becomes mixed with all the other unneeded words.